A tale of tails

Cats look at us with scorn.

Dogs won’t admit it, but are ashamed to be seem with us in public.

“I love my humans,” said Roscoe to the dog next door, “but really, no tails?”

People suffer from our lack of a rearward appendage. It’s why so many experience low self-esteem.

“Humans have a deep need to lash their tails in annoyance when vexed by their significant other, or that tough-looking guy at the bar,” said researcher Tooshie Keister. Not to mention, she said, the sheer pleasure we’d derive from swinging with a tail through the branches of a tree. And in summer they make an excellent fly-whisk.

Fortunately, a solution is on the way. Biotech companies are developing genetic manipulation techniques to ensure that children of the future won’t suffer as we have.

Until then, wig-makers have developed a new specialty. Red tails, for some reason, are the most popular.

And leading fashion house Derriere Dreams is already designing stylish trousers with a special opening to accommodate the anatomical adjustment.

Can you just hear it on the schoolyard? “My tail is longer than yours.”

Just like you hear from this trio.

“Mine’s bigger.”

“No, mine is!”

“No, mine is!”


Taffy doesn’t go out of her way to flaunt her well-formed tail. She’s usually too busy playing tennis. But she is proud of it and the attention it draws from envious humans.


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