The English are coming!

Protests against illegal immigration are erupting across the nation. Presidential candidates warn about “the relentless tide” and describe the crimes and job-stealing of these newcomers. Ordinary citizens warily eye the unfamiliar foreigners with their odd accents moving into settled neighborhoods.

The target of all this concern: the hoards from England flooding across America’s porous borders.

“It’s bad enough they take our jobs, but at least they could learn our language,” said Crystal Nellis, a legal secretary in Denver. “Me and my friends were riding up the elevator and these two Brits with their funny accent were saying how slow ‘the lift’ was – just like they were back in London.”

Her coworker Lance Pilgrim nodded in agreement and said, “A lot of ‘em I can’t even understand, the way they carry on, talking so fast and such. I called technical support the other day and got this Brit and you couldn’t make out half of what he was carrying on about. Don’t know why those tech companies can’t hire real Americans for people to talk to.”

Bonnie Nesbitt, on a radio call-in show, complained that “Next thing you know they’ll want to replace our president with a king or queen and we’ll lose our way of life. I can’t really trust that they will accept the American traditions. Look what they did to the buses in our town. Went to the City Council and demanded they be painted red. Just like in the old country. And double-decker, too.”

london-bus

“You know they stick together, too,” said Nesbitt.  “Don’t make any effort to get to know folks in this country. I wonder if they are plotting some sort of terrorist act. I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“Yeah,” said another caller, “that fish-and-chips family down the street even put a British flag on their front door. Can you believe it? You get around those people and it’s ‘barmy’ this and ‘bloody’ that, and then they wanna know where the cricket matches are held.

“They should go back home if they don’t like the way we do things here. And have you seen the new phone booths the utility company had to put in? It’s the limeys’ secret way of saying that the redcoats are returning to defeat us.”

london-phone-booth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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